I’d have crushes on people for years without saying anything because I thought there was no way they’d be interested. After thinking I’d be single for the rest of my life, I’m now married and have great sex!
When I discovered Orgasmic Meditation, I hadn’t had sex in over 15 years. I was hoping OM would help me find a boyfriend, or at least teach me how to find one. At 300 pounds, I felt insecure in social situations. When I’d had sex, it was almost exclusively with women. But, I wasn’t a lesbian; I just didn’t know how to relate to men.
It seemed like anyone I wanted to date never wanted me back. I’d have crushes on people for years without saying anything because I thought there was no way they’d be interested. When someone did want to sleep with me, I’d sometimes leave at the last minute. The intimacy freaked me out.
On the occasions that I did have sex, I always cried and I never climaxed. I underwent hypnosis to try to figure out if I had some repressed memory of sexual abuse, but I couldn’t remember anything. Most of my sex life took place inside my head; I couldn’t get turned on without reading erotica. I would read and read for hours, but never feel satisfied.
I got introduced to OM through an event where people played communication games. During one game, I was in the hot seat and everyone else got to ask me questions. I ended up admitting I’d only had sex with a man once. I was mortified to say that in front of everyone, but someone else there told me she’d had the same experience. Already, I felt like I could be more open and authentic there than with any other group I’d attended.
My curiosity sparked, I went to a demo, where I saw a woman being stroked. It was like my body woke up. “I’ll have what she’s having,” I thought and I signed up for a class to learn OM the next day.
The first time I OMed, I promised myself I wouldn’t fantasize. I’d gotten used to using erotica to stimulate myself and I wanted to stay present in the moment. And I did. During that OM, I was finally feeling something real instead of wishing for something. With another person, I climaxed for the first time. I was shocked that he didn’t expect anything in return. I planned more OMs. After the third, the guy touched the top of my arm and I felt more sensation in that moment than I’d ever felt during sex.
As I kept OMing, I went from being too nervous to talk to men to being intimate with them every single day. The fact that so many guys were available to me disproved my belief that I was undesirable. When they turned down my requests to OM, I’d ask them again later on, challenging my initial assumption that nobody I was interested in wanted me back. Often, they’d say yes, further disproving my theory that no one wanted me. I started reaching out to people I was attracted to instead of rejecting myself even before anyone else did. It got easier to let people in and still feel safe.
Before that, I’d been super shy and quiet during sex as well as in my social life. Asking for what I wanted in bed was scary. I’d always get angry, thinking, “Why can’t you read my mind?!” Giving feedback in OMs made me more comfortable with communicating during sex. And, since OM showed me I could climax with a partner, I became more open to learning how to do that during sex.
As I got used to the idea that I could receive pleasure during OMs without reciprocating, my sex life, too, became driven by desire rather than obligation. I gave my desires permission to come out. I started wearing makeup and nice clothes as I allowed myself to feel attractive. I even began to flirt a little. I felt more comfortable asking for the attention I wanted—and stopping if I was no longer enjoying pleasing my partner.
It was only when I started having the connected, communicative sex I really wanted that I realized why previously I’d been crying during sex. I hadn’t known how to open up or relate to my partners. So, all my feelings would come out through my tears. Now, I can speak up if I’m feeling overwhelmed and need to slow down.
Learning to communicate my emotions also helped with my weight issues. A lot of feelings would come up during OMs, and I learned to be with them. I stopped eating to deal with my feelings. Learning to focus on my partner’s finger during OMs got me in touch with all the physical signals my body was sending me. I became more aware of what food my body wanted and what made it feel like crap. I lost a lot of weight as a result.
I also had fewer negative feelings to shove down with food. By giving my body so much pleasure, I went from a depressed person to a happy person who sometimes has bad days. I used to always feel like I was running on empty, but OM has filled me up with love and energy. Now that I feel so full, I have so much to give to others.
Today, I doubt anyone would still describe me as shy. After thinking I’d be single for the rest of my life, I’m now married and have great sex!
Instead of believing something’s wrong with me, I now see the sensitivity that made me cry during sex as a superpower. And I use it. People come to me for comfort when they’re feeling down and for advice when they’re having a problem. Every day, I learn more about who I am and I get to show the world—and to my surprise, I not only receive approval, I also receive lots of love!
Rachael Hemsi is in her 40s and the executive director of a notable retreat center in Northern California.